ALL YOUR CHILDREN

New Year's Traditions-It's Complicated and It's Groovy

2010-12-31T14:23:00.003-05:00

Over the years, our New Years Traditions have morphed. I guess that ruins the idea of having "traditions" in some ways. There are some basic traditions that can be held while others are released and new practices gained. One needs to be flexible when it comes to holidays in a home where children who have trauma histories live.

Flexibility is a must for parents in our kind of home. So is routine. There needs to be a balance between structure and nurture. Too much of either can bring chaos or fear.

Our Christmas was pretty calm this year comparatively. We haven't had a whole lot of our usual fall-out. There were a few tears about the past and some regrets about losses but overall the holidays have not overwhelmed any of our three children thus far.

In prior years, there would be frantic, wild, unmanageable behavior if there was too much celebration of any holiday, especially birthdays or there was RAGE and distrust. How terribly painful for our children to remember past birthdays with either their families of origin or in foster care where they received few if any presents and little positive attention. They certainly did not know what it was like to feel loved and treasured. At times, they perhaps were overindulged in some areas. Often there were ulterior motives connected with the gifts. This caused them to feel unsafe. As well, many times, they would be moved out of a foster home just before Christmas because their behavior around the holidays would escalate and become overwhelming to their caregivers. There is also various child abuse, abandonment, hateful words, parental chemical abuse and other terrible memories connected to the holiday season. What these children have endured is enough to make grown men sob.

So how does one celebrate holidays in situations such as these? Certainly not how we did growing up.When I was little, my family attended church meetings with scary "You missed the rapture" type movies. Ugh. We certainly don't want to scare our children half to death like we were. We're in much more relaxed, grace-based churches now. In the years before adopting our children, my husband and I would attend a church prayer and praise service or large group fellowship in the home of friends. We'd drink sparkling cider and play board games. At midnight, we would take communion and "pray in" the New Year. This hasn't been possible for the last few years. Our teens still need to head to bed earlier than most of their peers. They need to remain in their daily routines even through the holidays--though we might stretch it a little on New Year's Eve. Any time that we do cheat the schedule too much, we find that it is very difficult for them the next week or so to function.This is an understatement of the year.

So, we work at gradually re-writing the memories. We will make new ones and slowly expand what they can handle until it is no longer a problem for them. We might pop in for a short visit to a friend's party and then come home to spend time together as a family (or just stay home period). Maybe we'll play some board games or a Wii Fest of interactive games only (no role-playing games or fantasy, only games where we interact with each other). We are building every year. Last year we woke everyone up at midnight, gave them a kiss on the forehead, said a prayer for them and send them back to dream land. New Year's Day we ate all kinds of goodies, nibbling in between bike rides, swimming, etc. We will probably do the same things again. (We try to have fun because the day after New Year's I begin my deep clean sweep through the whole property, house, garage and all. )

This year we have a new family member. We have graduated from all boys with one mom to adding a foster-adoptive daughter. We are so happy to have her as part of our family. She is visiting now but will soon be moving in. We are thrilled to have her here. She's a very sweet gal. Perhaps she and I will enjoy creating new family snacks and dinner dishes for this holiday but who knows? Flexibility. It's a challenge for me to be flexible but it is necessary.

I am trying not to have big expectations of this evening. I will celebrate with my family. It will be low-key. We will go with the flow. I'm fighting a migraine, my last one for the year! Low key will work for me too. Maybe I will even get used to it a little. It seems to work for my kids. It may be my new New Years ~~resolution~~ revolution!

It's a new groove for me. I might just find it groovy. What are you doing with your families for New Years Eve? Do you find low key or highly planned activities better for your family with trauma and/or special needs issues? If you blog about your New Years Traditions, you can enter Lisa's contest here.

Send me a comment. I promise I am still here and not being ghost-written. I know I've been AWOL--too busy making changes in my life. I hope you all are doing well out there. I will try to post more. Have a great GROOVY New Year.

Be-RAD-a-tudes

2010-11-17T11:25:00.000-05:00

Here's my take on the Beatitudes for RAD moms (reprinted from my other blog):

You may borrow them if you'd like but please credit me as the author. Thanks. BeckyJoie.

1. Blessed are the empathetic in spirit, for to them shall be handed the keys to the kingdom of their children's hearts.

2. Blessed are those who give to their children in spite of mourning reciprocal love, for they shall be comforted when attachment begins to form.

3. Blessed are those who balance structure with softness, for they shall inherit peaceful times in their households.

4. Blessed are those who fill their children's hungers with love and nourishment, for they shall be filled themselves with the reward which comes from giving to those who can return it the least. ("If you've done it to the least of these", Jesus says, "You've done it unto me".)

5. Blessed are the merciful parents who don't place their children under too much pressure for they shall find security in their homes.

6. Blessed are the pure in heart who do not take upon themselves the mistrust and unforgiveness of their children but every day, start fresh. They shall not wallow long in depression but will have energy to parent their hurt child.

7. Blessed are the peaceful communicators for they shall not magnify a RAD rage but calm it down. (Proverbs says 'A soft answer turns away WRATH'.)

8. Blessed are those who parent their children the way that helps to heal them in spite of how bizarre it looks to those on the outside nor how others press against them to do otherwise; some day, they shall see genuine smiles and hugs in their homes.

9. Blessed are you when your child persecutes you for loving them unconditionally, for some day their testing will be traded in for never-ending trust, hope and love.

10. You are the seasoning and tone setter in your home. A RAD mom that retreats into her cave cannot help her family. Therefore, be the hub that the spokes come out from and life will "roll" miles more smoothly than you can ever imagine.

NOTE: These ideas can encourage all moms but are especially helpful for those helping to heal RAD and/or Complex Trauma in their children.

To Adopt or Not to Adopt, That is the Question

2010-11-10T00:19:00.001-05:00

Most of you know what an avid advocate I am of adoption, even of older teens. However, I need to emphasize that it is imperative to know that God has indeed called you to do this or you may be taking on a burden that you cannot bear.

I believe that where God guides, He provides but if you go without His call, it will be much, much tougher for you. He is merciful and will equip you either way but I would say that there is wisdom in seeking godly counsel and researching the matter before deciding.

The following article is written by author, speaker and founder of Heartlight Ministries. It gives an overview of cautionary issues in adoption. I suggest that if you are considering adoption, please read this and pray over it before moving forward. To know is to be prepared.

Click here for Mark Gregston's article on adoption.

Enjoy your read.

Ponder the path of your feet and let all your ways be established. Proverbs 4:26

Power Tools for Parenting

2010-11-01T09:19:00.002-04:00

Today's post is for therapeutic and average parents alike!

It's time to pull out the power tools, parents! You can't parent without them!

Have any of you ever read Stormy Omartian's book, The Power of a Praying Parent? If not, I highly recommend going to the store or online site to purchase your own copy. Each chapter gives you a different prayer focus for your child by utilizing Scripture as the prayer. I can't tell you how powerful this concept has been in our lives.

Along the same lines, we have found Scripture memory to be vital to healing spiritual issues. We have our children recite or write specific verses that link to a particular struggle they may have.

Psalm 119:9-11 says this:

9Wherewithal shall a young man cleanse his way? by taking heed thereto according to thy word.

10With my whole heart have I sought thee: O let me not wander from thy commandments.
11Thy word have I hid in mine heart, that I might not sin against thee.

When they are tempted to be hateful, unforgiving, lustful, disrespectful, etc., they can quote the following verse aloud TO THEIR thoughts, to the enemy and to anything electronically that is tempting them. Psalm 6:8, "Depart from me you workers of iniquity for the Lord has heard the voice of my weeping." You've heard of positive self-talk. Well this is similar. They aren't actually talking to these things as real objects but as a form of resisitance against anything that lifts itself up in their hearts. We are told in the Word to take all thoughts into captivity that exalt themselves against the knowledge of God. This is one way to do it. The power of the "rhema" (spoken Word of God) is like dynamite in their lives to blow away negative strongholds. Try it. You will see. They maybe have a ton of blasting to do. That is okay. Don't give up.

If they want to do right but just can't seem to take hold of their flesh, than God will honor their heart and help them. If they have a hard heart, then you will have to pray for fertile soil in which to plant these seeds. I recommend praying parts of Isaiah 54 for your children. It will go something like this:

"Father, I thank You that You have said in Your Word that the heritage of all the saints of the Lord is to have all their children be taught by You and for them to have great peace. I thank You for that great promise. I hold on to that truth since as of now I can only see the heritage of the seeds planted in them from their hurtful pasts and/or flesh. I thank You that You can make all things new--that You can make the things that aren't as though they were and the things that are as though they are not. I trust in You and stand on the fact that You promise that all that put their hope in You will never be ashamed and will dwell in safety and in peace. So in the midst of the waiting, Lord, bring me the peace that passes understanding and keep my heart and mind secure in You. Bring my children into the promises that You have for me and my descendants as a godly heritage. I know that I stand and can come boldly to Your throne and find grace to help in my time of need. I know that it is not because of my goodness but because You count my faith for righteousness. I live by faith in this situation and not by sight. I trust You. Thank You for hearing my cry! In Jesus' name I ask it, AMEN!"

If this post blessed you, please follow my blog and send some friends over to follow with you. There will be posts several times per week on parenting. Thanks. Have a blessed day. --BeckyJoie

Which One Do You Want to Be Like?

2010-10-25T23:18:00.000-04:00

This is unapologetically a Christian blog. I believe in being gentle with expression of one's faith but sometimes the truth hurts. Truth is truth. You can try to be winsome but some people are simply offended at the message in any package. So I warn you, though I do not preach it constantly in an in-your-face manner, if you come here, be prepared to hear about Christ and living your faith out loud, even in parenting from time to time. This post will be "evoke-tional" as my brother often puts it so proceed only if ready for a deep, thought provoking devotional.

Have you ever heard Todd Agnew's song, "My Jesus"? If not, go quickly to Youtube and look it up. It is a tear-jerker and it will challenge you to think about which Jesus you follow. Warning: there is one word in it that might be offensive to some but it is, I think, meant to evoke shock and to reveal the pharisaical attitudes some have toward loving the unchurched.

I think of all the thankless jobs woman take on, motherhood, in the eyes of the world is in the top ten. Highest up is foster-parenting or adoption. Now, don't get me wrong. I certainly am not doing this for the praise of man. I am surprised, however, to see the opposition or apathy that people sometimes show when they hear what foster and adoptive parents are doing. My heart is so passionate about loving these children, it is so hard for me to understand why others cannot see this as a need too.

I've heard every unkind remark from "Why would you want to do a thing like that?" to "Oh, I didn't realize they weren't your children." People have told me not to waste my time and resources working with children who are "damaged goods" and that it will never work out because such-and-such a family did it and the child THEY had almost burned their house down. How rude! I'm not proposing that you ignore facts and statistics of the problems some of these children have. Do count the cost. We have had the opportunity to feel the cost several times. After you have counted the cost, however, take up the cross and follow what Jesus shows you to do. Be willing to walk the path that He walked. It was lonely at times and it cost Him, dearly. It was not always the path others thought He should take either.

Most of my friends have been ultra supportive and happy for us and our children. They've gone out of their way to help us or make our children feel welcome.

Often it is people we don't know well, people who were personally jaded by an experience or people who have had ideal lives that have the descenting opinions about taking in hurting children as members of one's family. I realize this call is not for everybody but I feel that if there are so many children out there waiting for families and God has commanded the church to take in orphans and widows, then it must be that some people are called but aren't listening. This blog is for you.

Why am I blogging about this? Because the song I mentioned above brought to mind who Jesus really was. You are never more like your Father in Heaven then when you are loving His children. Jesus loved the children when others wanted to outcast them. He stopped important adult happenings to bless the children.

He warns us that what we do to "the least of these" we do until Him.

I don't look at foster and adoptive children as the "least of these" but much of society does. Many look at them and other children with trauma backgrounds as second class citizens who will never be "normal". In some ways, there are differences--many of these children don't "fit in" the mold of society, through no fault of their own originally. They are experiencing the fall-out of the actions of others in their lives.

They've been rejected often by their birth families, their foster families, their classmates, their teachers and many other people. Sometimes this is due to the children's behavior or even simple social awkwardness due to their lack of experience or training. They are ignored by the middle class nuclear family and the typical American churchgoer.They become either invisible or the ones in the cross hairs. Our children have been both at different times in their lives.

"It's not my business to help those children. Let somebody else do it," someone will say. Worse yet we here this comment, "You shouldn't help them. It'll mess up your family life."

But my Jesus...who did He fellowship with? Did He inconvenience Himself at all? Did He look for the approval of others to do it? Whose voice did He obey? The religious crowd, the economically elite or the voice in His heart that was full of compassion?

Please don't miss my point. I'm not saying that it is a terrible cross to be a foster-adoptive parent. what I AM saying is this: Don't block out the compassion that God has put in your heart to become a foster-adoptive parent because you are afraid of what others will think or afraid that it will cost you too much or these children are beyond God's reach. Jesus loves the whole world.

While it is true that a good support system is necessary to care for the long term needs of children, it is also true that if God calls you to do this, He will provide what you need in every single way.

If you think the Christian life is all about smiles, victories and blessings, think again. We are called to the fellowship of His suffering, too. We are called to show His love to those outside the box of church and of a pristine ideal christian family. Roll up your sleeves and get dirty with me. If you can't adopt children, then find someone who you can encourage and support. Provide occasional respite, personal items for the parents, meals, clothing, cards of encouragement, drop off some extra groceries, pray with them, offer to pay for scholarships for special training for the parents or for therapy for their children. Teach your children and the other children in your church compassion for this family rather than scorn, offer to spend time with the children and lift the parents up to the children the whole time, go out of your way to make them all feel welcome in your church even if there are differences in their family and parenting styles. Do this not only for foster and adoptive families but also for those who have a family member with a long term physical or mental illness. These are the lonely people with whom Jesus would have shared fellowship.

We say we follow Jesus. How do we do that? Do we follow what He did? Or what we think is the ideal life? What are we willing to sacrifice? What are we willing to expend to obey Him? How hard or sensitive are out hearts to the needs of others? Do we, like Jesus, have enough compassion to make a difference?

Which Jesus do you follow? --Todd Agnew

If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, take up his cross and follow me. --Jesus

A Hope and a Future-Proclaiming Blessings

2010-10-03T22:48:00.003-04:00

Many years ago when I was a single mom due to domestic violence, I had lost hope in anything good. I doubted that God cared me for at all to allow me to undergo such heartache and loss. A chain of traumatic circumstances in my life slowly began to wrap around my ankles and wrists and pull me under, away with the riptide of my circumstances into the abyss of darkness.

In my desperation, I cried out to the Lord, "If You really love me, give me a sign. Send someone to help me, someone to notice me lying here in my despair." In my mind, the consequences of silence on His part would have been severe. I told no one what I would do. Drastic measures seemed like the only way out of my pain.

God was faithful. His voice came through loud and clear in several situations. Every person He sent my way, ignorant of the other's counsel, gave me the following Scriptural reference. "For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, thoughts to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

I couldn't believe my ears, "a hope and a future". I felt numb. I didn't really know or believe that I could have a future worth living with the past and present that I stared down in the mirror every day. The other word, hope--I didn't even know what that felt like. My face had been on the ground for so long that I had become one with the mud. Nevertheless, God's promise was true. He gave me hope to climb out of the pit I was in and took me step-by-step down a new road to healing.

I am living now, in that "future" that God promised me so many years ago--the promise that I could not feel as a young girl wounded and torn from various childhood traumas. I am not totally there yet, but I can see the promise materializing before my eyes. Living now in the calling that God has intended for me since before Creation, I can see how He used the ugly, dark, mucky clay of my life experiences and sculpted them into something beautiful, a vessel of honor that He could use. I am not beautiful in and of myself but as His Creation, in whom He choses to work, I am His masterpiece, a work that blesses my Creator. It's unfathomable.

The truth is not unique to me. There are many hurting pilgrims in this world. I assure you that no matter how it looks, it's true that the pain and suffering of the present time are not worthy to be compared to the glory that shall be revealed in us. Hurting people try to ignore this truth. They don't feel that God would ever choose to do anything in their lives. They don't trust that anyone loves them, let alone the God of the Universe. However, when one meditates on the positive truths in God's Word, they can crush to powder the strongholds of disbelief, feelings of being unloveable and other falsehoods like this. Ask me how I know. I had fears. I didn't trust people, especially those in authority. I struggled to believe that I had any value to anyone, especially God. I felt He had abandoned me or just didn't notice me in the first place. I had attachment issues with God.

Now, I know the truth. It has set me free. I want everyone to know the freedom I have found, especially the children, those who have never known love, acceptance, patience, forgiveness and belonging. I want them to know that God has a future for them, that they can heal. Totally. Completely. They can have a brand new life. The former life will be a faint memory and the new life will be wonderful, peace-filled, joyful, hopeful and prosperous. Joy will be like a breath; you won't even have to think hard to make it happen.

Proclaim God's truths over your children and yourself. Speak blessings every day. What people fill our thoughts with, we eventually believe. It's true. I live it. Every day.

It's easy to see the pain and the trauma-related behavior. I don't deny that we should observe this, show empathy and parent accordingly. I think, though, that we have to watch out for the danger of perpetuating their pasts by constantly zoning in on what needs to be fixed. This could apply to any child, with or without a trauma history. Don't put all your energy into what they are doing wrong. Though we should not deny it, we need not focus on it either. Just as Christ remembers our sins no more, so should we be quick to forgive our children for poor behavior. (I'm not referring to taking away the consequences but rather to the attitude of forgiveness replacing a grudge.)

Create new realities for your child, realities of safety and hope, realities that if they allow the Lord to heal their hearts, He will give them a future of which they could never dream. I never pictured myself having a wonderful husband and children with a home, all of my basic financial and material needs met, so many friends that I cannot count them and so many opportunites that I must choose between them. This is what God can do in the life of a broken person who cries out to Him.

He wants to give your loved ones a hope and a future. Believe and receive it. Proclaim it over your children. God's promises are true. Never doubt it.

I'm Still Here

2010-09-24T11:03:00.002-04:00

You may have wondered where I went. I apologize for my long absence. I've been busy pouring into my children and doing other things to prepare for the future. (I've taken 150 hours of counselor training but I need to finish my formal education so that in the future I can work with women and children with trauma histories. Right now, I am counseling under supervision at a Christian counseling center nearby.) I've also been busy caring for my children and preparing for another foster-adoptive placement that we will soon have. We've been traveling to visit her, to begin connecting with and learning about her needs.

It has been a beautiful journey so far. I am so filled with pity, love, and joy on this journey. Our lives are full with hard work like: intensive attachment and behavioral therapy, working with horses, focusing on educational and behavioral interventions, going to church, interacting with homeschooling and other community groups. Despite the bustle, we are also full of joy and peace in our home. We do fun things together that other "normal" families think nothing of but which we had to work up to doing. We go to the library, swim at the Y, ride bikes, roller skate, read together and do things that we used to be unable to do because the kids needed to heal more and would have been overwhelmed. Now, it is a regular part of our lives. That may change when we bring in a new family member. I am convinced that my boys can take that adjustment since they have learned to empathize through my empathy for them. They amazed me at their acceptance of the time and attention I was pouring in to our potential adoptive daughter when we traveled to visit her for the weekend. It did my heart good to see they were truly secure in their attachment to me now. I know there are still hurdles but we have come so far, thank the Lord.

Around our house, there is much healing in the works. Joy is an everyday factor. Our boys are doing well in school and in regular home life. There is very little of the RAD showing now but it is likely there in the background. We prefer not to hyper-focus on the RAD label and view it in the perspective of complex trauma. We still maintain the structure, nurture and playfulness needed for healing but it's not anything like it was in the beginning. I still spend the majority of my time interacting with the kids but I do have some time to myself. If I'm going to be the caregiver, I have to take care of myself too. The best advice I can give a mother in these situations is "be constantly getting filled as you pour out." Otherwise, you become cranky, unloving and unsympathetic. Nobody can heal or be healed when they have holes that leak out everything poured in. Fill up!

As a Christian, I recharge as a parent through prayer, quiet time, Bible reading and reading inspirational books. I spend a great deal of time praying for self-control and empathy. I've always thought myself a disciplined person but in the beginning I found many areas that were triggered by the behavior in my children. I never became abusive but I did have to keep my attitude in check so as not to resent the tough things that came along with the responsibility. My perspective has changed greatly over these last years of parenting. I've also watched a myriad of educational videos and read more books, blogs and websites about trauma, adoption, behavioral issues and various other things related to parenting children with histories of trauma. As well as professional resources, I like to read blogs by parents who are doing the same thing I am doing. I find that mostly good for mutual support but we can learn from each other as well. Sometimes another parent's perspective really gives insight over an area we seem to be stuck on. Be careful, though. Sometimes trends surface that are not healthy. Most are okay though. It's great that we have such a wide community of people taking in these hurt children. We can all help each other, keep each other accountable and generally commiserate over frustrations.

A concern is to protect the privacy of our children and our own reputations while encouraging others. Even seemingly generic things can be misconstrued. As well, the Internet cannot convey the true character or attitudes of the person writing. Caution is necessary.

That being said, I am happy to share my journey here and to lift up other moms who may read. I don't believe there is any bad child, only hurt ones. There is hope for your children--all of them. Never give up hope for you or your children.

Meanwhile, I am still here. I may not post often. I am focused on the kids and my educational goals. I will soon add more of my own schooling back into the picture on top of homeschooling. I will be very busy then. If anything has to suffer, it will be my blog, not my kids or my husband. So, never fear. I'm still here-- just not as much. I'll check in from time to time. The time for big writing will come when I finish my education and raise my children--if I ever stop adopting children. I enjoy it so much. It might be a hard addiction to break. I'm rather fond of seeing hurts melt away. :) Have a great day. See ya soon.

The Passion and Purpose of "All Your Children" Blog

2010-08-07T20:00:00.004-04:00

"The Passion and Purpose of This Blog"

Some of you may be wondering why I chose to close the Leaders in Learning (hereafter referred to as, LIL) and start All Your Children instead.

When I first began on LIL, I was working as a teacher and was also a homeschool mom. I had many learning experiences to share with others. The blog morphed over time as my life changed and I began again down the road of parenting children with special needs. When I first began researching and reading RAD blogs, I found myself influenced by some things with which I do not now agree or perhaps have a different way of handling them than I might have thought acceptable before. It’s amazing how much we can be influenced by what we read. With that in mind, be careful.

My heart toward my children was (and is) empathetic and compassionate, even in circumstances where I might have been hurt by something that they did. (Sometimes moms of children with special needs can also be expected not to have human reactions to being abused and mistreated all day by someone into whom they have poured all their love and energy.) However, in sharing information with others for the purpose of educating and supporting those in a similar lifestyle, some of the information I posted could have been viewed by some as demeaning or unsympathetic. I never posted anything with that intent and in fact, much of what I posted was generic information about RAD or other disabilities. I do not agree with some of the nicknaming that was/is popular and which I at first saw as endearing. I have not for a long time and thought I had hidden the posts for later revision but a recent comment made me aware that they were still available to read. My opinions have, over a long time, changed mainly because of how others viewed things despite my pure intentions but also because of greater understanding and learning. I could see from reading some other people’s writing, how pet names could appear to be a form of ridicule depending on the context. Though I thought some of the terms, when I used them, were charming, the opinions of my readers helped me to see things differently. I was happy that they felt they could approach me with their viewpoints in a constructive, respectful manner. (I do prefer that blog commenters identify themselves but anonymous comments are also considered. Early on, I had several readers that impacted my viewpoint on this.)

I have no prejudice about people who were adopted. Not every child or adult who was adopted has attachment issues or trauma disorders. I know because I have MANY friends with adoption in their lives, on all points of the spectrum from the adoptee to the parent to the sibling and extended family members. Several of these have had honest, open conversation with me about their experiences. I listened equally to all. The result has been a shift in my focus for blogging to become even more generalized than I have prior.

The prior blog, LIL, mainly focused on dealing with the issues surrounding those parenting children with attachment/complex trauma symptoms, adopted or not. I don’t view peoples’ illnesses as synonomous with them--in other words, they are not RAD. That is a misunderstanding that could result from using some of the terms previously referenced.

In summary, I love all people, adopted or not. I do not judge them by their past, but I do notice behavior resultant from it and in parenting with empathy, I try to help them overcome it. My children have healed more quickly than most with their troubles because I bond with them and do parent them with the right attitude and techniques. I also use the Bible and prayer for guidance and have God’s help. The result is that they are healing at unsually speedy rates.

In adulthood, I treat people who were adopted and people who are not adopted the same way. I do notice their behaviors and hang-ups. I love them with or without their problems. We all have hang-ups. Sometimes our hang-ups are like a sore thumb, too. When someone says something about them not in reference to us personally, we think they are attacking us or all people with our problem, when it might not be the case.

For instance, many are prejudiced against other’s educational choices and take it personally if you do not believe in their form of education for your children. They sometimes feel you are attacking all people who educate their children as they do (been there). You might simply be expressing your own opinion on homeschooling vs. public education. I’ve felt this-as I’ve had children in public, private and home school programs and when people had expressed their opinions about a topic and I felt injured. They weren’t even talking about me. We can all be so very sensitive when it comes to our perspectives on things.

The truth be told, we are all judged by our behavior. The Bible says in Proverbs that even a child is known by his or her own doings, whether his work is pure and whether it is right (conversely, if it is not right). This does not mean that parents can make their children into spectacles or ridicule them. It does not mean that the child is not loved as much as any other child (because they have behavioral issues). That is an absurd line of thinking. Some have taken it and forever ostracized their children. Even as adults, the children feel they are not accepted in their families.

For the sake of clarity, let me say that I have spoken with my children and have their express permission to share stories about their behavior in order to assist parents who desire to help their children heal.

Also this helps parents to accept and empathize with their children when they realize that the behavior they deal with every day is somewhat typical of other children with similar histories. It takes the "personal" out of the hurtful things done to them.

It could also help the children or adults who have trauma and attachment issues to see things which they may not have understood about themselves prior. On this blog, I will not share personal information and give identifying details that will degrade or demean but merely describe behavior and ways to deal with it that will help to heal and minimize further damage. Any personal details will only be shared with permission from that person involved, inside or outside of my family.

On this blog, I will share MY experiences and feelings freely and attempt to encourage my readers to do the same in a respectful manner so that this blog will be a help to people rather than an offense or hindrance. That being said, I cannot please every reader. We all have our own views on things. If we can agree to share our disagreements and then agree to disagree when necessary, that will be a better way. I am also all about truth vs. psychobabble. I do believe that some psychology is valid and supports Scriptural views. Some does not. I will share the Scripture’s viewpoints on behavior. Some behavior is instinctive behavior. Some is addressed in the Bible as sin. We all have it. When I judge behavior, I am not condemning a person. How could I? All humans have issues. I am included in that. I do try to examine myself in this process.

Hear my heart. Don’t judge me because I see things differently from you. Hear my overall message on this blog. Know that I am ALL about love, nurture, patience, acceptance, empathy, encouragement and joy in therapeutic parenting. In fact, THAT is the reason I write this blog. That is why it is about Christian THERAPEUTIC Parenting.

I hope you enjoy reading and visiting ALL YOUR CHILDREN.

Email me at: rjeremiah2911@embarqmail.com if you want to suggest topics or ask my opinion about certain parenting issues related to this blog. I welcome your comments and input.

Signs of Healing

2010-07-24T00:09:00.000-04:00

I fully believe that healing is available for ALL of our children. I understand the statistics don't always lend to believing that but I think sometimes you have to look at statistics more as a warning than as a proclamation of truth. If God can heal demoniacs (in the Bible) and those with terminal illness, then He surely can heal any mental/emotional illness if He wills it. Of course, there are many agents involved in that healing, including but not limited to people and not every person is healed in the same way and timing. Some wait for their new bodies in heaven. Others are healed suddenly and still more, in fact, likely this faction is the largest-they have to work out their healing through a tough struggle. Many also, never see the results of their struggle. However, with enough support, I believe that healing is possible. All things are possible to those who believe.

Here are some evidences that I think you will see in a child who is healing from complex trauma/attachment issues:

1. Beginning conscience development: seen by expression of genuine sorrow for a wrongdoing and attempts to self-correct when finding oneself caught in a behavioral pattern.
2. Empathy: beginning to feel the emotions of others and to care enough to do something about it, noticing sickness or tiredness in others and looking for ways to help.
3. Reciprocal love: being able not only to handle being told that they are loved but believing it enough to open up and express love in return--not merely shallow affection. Loyalty begins to show in small ways.
4. Trust: beginning to trust the words and warnings of safe adults and small attempts to heed them, increases in personal trustworthiness.
5. Decreases in hypervigilance.
6. Decreases in hyperactivity and volatility.
7. Awareness of behavioral patterns in others that are similar to their own issues. Internalization of parental discipline shown by expression/parotting of it when dealing with similar behavior in others.

These are just a few things I have seen in my children as they heal. It is encouraging. Of course, it will not be a 100% of the time picture of them but glimpses of the above in your traumatized children will evidence to you that they are indeed healing and capable of becoming whole.

Psalm 107:20 – He sent his word, and healed them, and delivered them from their destructions. (KJV)

You Must Be THIS Tall

2010-07-21T22:36:00.000-04:00

Do you remember, as a child, standing on your tiptoes next to a sign like this, hoping to impress the carnival ticket-taker with your height? Do you remember the sense of relief that washed over you when you heard, "Yes, you're tall enough. You can go on the ride."?

Well, life is not a carnival ride but there are many instances in life where the bar is raised and we, as humans must stretch ourselves as tall as we can to meet the standard. There are reasons why the bar cannot be lowered. Though a person beg, whine or plead, the "ticket holder" will not allow the person who does not meet the requirements pass the point of entrance.

How does this apply to Christian therapeutic parenting? Well, as therapeutic parents, our job is to provide an empathetic, joyful and structured environment in which our children may heal, grow and mature toward adulthood. In our cases, it may take a great deal more patience and gentleness as well as understanding for healing to take place in our children. It is difficult to know at times, when to "hold 'em" and when to "fold 'em".

By this, I mean that we have to learn the balance of when to show empathy and when to help our children to stretch beyond what they appear capable so that they may improve and grow closer to the standard of socially acceptable behavior in the world.

This is painfully intense for those of us who have felt, through empathy or life experiences, a sampling of what our children struggle with on a day to day basis. When fear is a shadow cast over your whole body, and you feel as though you are in constant danger, it is difficult and at times, nigh unto impossible to consider anything outside of that. When the world around you is pitch black, you can't possibly see the others in your path--let alone try to compete in an obstacle course. The least one can do is put his or her arms up in defense and hit anything that gets in the way as one tries, carefully and fearfully to move forward.

The problem with this scenario is that children who have experienced trauma are in a catch twenty-two. The world holds them to a standard that they are unlikely to be able to meet with their histories and yet somehow they still have to work towards that goal. Without some outside intervention, they will fail.

This is where the therapeutic parent comes in (along with any professionals who are on the team). As we shine small, non-invasive glimpses of light, we can show our children the path to safety. As the children's eyes adjust to the light, they can see better and better. and no longer wince and hide from the light. They begin, not only to listen to your guidance but also to trust in it because they can see the evidence that you are correct in your warnings. They become less defensive and even reach for your hand for comfort.

As they heal, it is a challenge for us, the caregivers, to move from empathy to exhortation and persuasion, to encourage them to become independent again, only with better skills to face adulthood. But so much is instinctive for them and for us. We want to shelter them, to heal them and to lift them up while they instinctively feel downtrodden, helpless and alternatively overconfident in their own abilities. At times it is a gut-wrenching process to decide when to shelter and when to push. But the world--it is what it is. It expects what it expects. The "bar" will not be lowered for them simply because of their disabilities.

It's unfair and yet that is how it is. No one will understand them like the mothers and fathers who have sacrificed their time, finances, energy, sleep, food and emotional resources to help them heal. No boss will stand by them and cheer as they push past a fear to accomplish the standard. I'm sure a boss will take notice when they are stunted and unable to meet the goal. How prepared are our children for such events as these? Will they be able to live in the real world after all they have suffered?

The bar is raised.

It's our job to help them strive toward the mark, to stretch their capabilities, more and more until they can ride the ride called "life."

The Bible talks about the struggle we ALL undertake. According to Romans, all miss the mark--all but One. He comes down in the form of Jesus and both becomes and overcomes the standard. God becomes man so that man might be able to meet the standard of God through trusting Him and joining with His plan of salvation. He becomes sin that we might become the righteousness of God.

He gives Himself for us, shines the light of truth into our path, waits for us to be able to receive that light and takes our darkness away, leading us into the light where we walk with Him for eternity.

We, as parents and caregivers are but a picture of what Christ has done in us. As author Gary Collins always says, "We are the caregivers. He is the Cure giver." For our children, as for much of the world, the saying is also true that "You're the only 'Jesus' that some may ever see."

We become what our children need, and help them to heal that they might become like us, capable, independent, productive adults. We are a reflection of what God has done in us.

We love Him because He first loved us. We were incapable of loving Him at first but He saw in us, people worthy of His love and sacrificed life. We were not worthy because of anything we knew or could do but because He could see what He would do with us and in us. The beauty of a masterpiece made by God could not be seen in us until He rescued us from the kingdom of sin.

Our children have beauty, trapped inside of them that may not be seen at first. If we look, we can see the lovable parts that are worthy of our time, love and energy. We can see who they really are, underneath the pain, who they are becoming and who they will someday be. Though they are not yet, "THIS TALL", we must have faith in what we see in them and in what they can become. You see, we are "THIS TALL" and we pray, oh, we pray that they will meet the mark and even yet surpass where we are standing.

Welcome to ALL YOUR CHILDREN

2010-07-18T21:02:00.003-04:00

God has been preparing our family to enlarge our borders and make helping abused women and children our ministry. The word "abuse" has been an over-used buzzword in the world so I hesitate to use it. Perhaps I should say "traumatized and or neglected" children instead. Over the past year, the Lord has brought this branch of the ministry of reconciliation to the forefront of our lives by bringing people into our home and our lives. This includes battered women, foster children, foster parents, and a number of other hurting people along the way. We've been dealing with attachment-challenged children also for several years but only in the last few years did we understand the whole picture of what was needed to help them. We are constantly learning, especially as new theories are developed.

The journey has not always been easy, especially in the beginning but we found God's perspective through it all and have discovered the joy God can give those who wait on Him. Now we feel like the expectant parents who walk into the emergency department to see if our contractions are real or Braxton Hicks. Big things are being born into our lives but not because we are anything special or deserve any special attention but because He chooses to use ordinary people to help participate in His extraordinary plans. We only know the beginning of His plan but we have seen a sneak peek of the future and are excited. It is going to be an interesting journey, for sure and not one we ever thought of taking until now. We will wait to share the details as it is unfolds.

For now, we have created this blog to help others and share our experiences. Here is the background on the blog:

We've participated in therapies and educational interventions. We've also read many books and websites on the topics of: trauma, attachment issues, parenting special needs children, skills for behavior-disordered children, dyadic developmental therapy, attachment therapy, post-traumatic stress, sensory processing disorder, "strong-willed child" theories, many childhood mental health conditions as well as the normal psychology, growth and development fare. There were many helpful tools found in these books and we highly recommend reading them and with discernment. (No need to re-invent the wheel but we caution you to be sure that any methods you choose align with biblical values, if you are a follower of Christ). We feel that the endeavor to parent some of the challenging issues of children who have behavioral issues will be a tougher task if attempted without prayer, patience, empathy, application of God's truth and the faith to believe God through every circumstance.

We acknowledge that many of the conditions mentioned above stem from physical or psychological sources that are originally not the fault of the child at all but of those who used, neglected or traumatized them. That being said, we believe that the Bible alludes to the idea that humans are three part beings that are body, soul and spirit. Therefore, we believe that all three areas of a person must be addressed in order for healing to be possible.

There are plenty of experts on the psychological and physical aspects of RAD, PTSD, ODD and Trauma Disorders. We do not in any way intend to portray that we have any expertise in those areas. This blog will, however, contain research by others and /or opinions regarding those topic areas but be aware that they are critiqued from a lay person's perspective. We do have some experience that could, in fact, be relevant to the topic but we do not claim legal or counseling expertise and cannot be held responsible for any results you achieve for trying any of the posted ideas or suggestions. You may use them at your own risk or benefit.

We will, however, spend a great deal of the time on this blog, talking about the spiritual aspects of parenting children with special needs and bringing encouragement from a Biblical viewpoint.

It is our goal to foster hope, help and spiritual healing for the parents who come to read this blog and vicariously to the children. May you find strength, peace and joy in the journey here.

The Lord gave our family some verses that have helped us along the way. They are the reason for the name of this blog. Here is the main verse that appears in the blog heading:

"All your children will be taught by the Lord and great shall be the peace of your children..." Isaiah 54:13

As we share weekly blog articles, devotionals, updates on our family and more, please feel free to chime in and also to "FOLLOW" our blog as well as to invite others to follow.

Blessings!

BeckyJoie